


Starsky VS. Hutch

by LilyK



Category: Starsky & Hutch
Genre: Gen, transcript
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-01
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-13 22:21:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29782947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LilyK/pseuds/LilyK
Summary: While undercover trailing a dance hall killer, Starsky and Hutch both become involved with the same policewoman.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 2
Collections: Starsky & Hutch Original Series Transcripts





	Starsky VS. Hutch


    STARSKY VS. HUTCH
    
    Season 4, Episode 21
    
    Original Airdate: May 8, 1979
    
    Written by: Rick Edelstein
    Story Editor: Rick Edelstein
    Created by: William Blinn
    Directed by: Peter Levin
    
    Summary: While undercover trailing a dance hall killer, Starsky and Hutch both become involved with the same policewoman. 
    
    Cast: 

David Soul ... Det. Ken 'Hutch' Hutchinson

Paul Michael Glaser ... Det. Dave Starsky

Antonio Fargas ... Huggy Bear

Bernie Hamilton ... Capt. Harold Dobey

Richard Lynch ... Joey Webster

Topo Swope ... Arlene

Yvonne Craig ... Carol

Joyce Ingalls ... Kira

Corinne Calvet ... Madame Bouvet

Susan Miller ... Susan

Fredric Cook ... Mr. Arnold

Garrett Craig . .. Richie

William Sanderson ... Weirdo (as William J. Sanderson)

Marki Bey ... Officer Minnie Kaplan
    
    
    **Interior - Night - Golden Lady Ballroom**
    
    WEBSTER: Bonsoir, my dear.
    
    BOUVET: Bonsoir, Monsieur Joey.
    
    WEBSTER: How you doing?
    
    BOUVET: (speaks French) What is it going to be tonight? Backgammon or pool?
    
    WEBSTER: Oh, we'll see.
    
    BOVET: Ah, well, have a good time, mon petit chou.
    
    WEBSTER: Don't I always?
    
    BOUVET: Ooh-la-la-la-la.
    
    CAROL: It sure is nice to see a new face in here. You know what? I'll bet you become a regular. W-we're like good friends here.
    
    STARSKY: Yeah?
    
    CAROL: Would you like to be my friend? I-I'll-- I'll bet you had a fight with your wife or something. Good-looking guy like you coming in here. Oh!
    
    CAROL: Oh, I'm sorry. Listen, when you're gonna make a big move, Valentino, let a girl know.
    
    STARSKY: Um. Hey, look, uh, you okay?
    
    CAROL: Mm-hm.
    
    STARSKY: Look, um. This here ought to cover it, huh? Time card.
    
    CAROL: Thanks, sport.
    
    STARSKY: Yeah, okay. What are you two laughing about?
    
    HUTCH: Oh, you had to be there.
    
    STARSKY: Well, I'm here now.
    
    HUTCH: Well, you're a little late with a little too little.
    
    STARSKY: That's about as funny as a flat tire. I say we show the crowd how to dance.
    
    KIRA: Well, um, the customer has to punch out and pay first.
    
    HUTCH: Well, I'd love to do that except all I got here is a 10 spot.
    
    STARSKY: Here. Go buy yourself something pretty with the change.
    
    HUTCH: Big spender with my money.
    
    KIRA: I'll be right back.
    
    HUTCH: So, what's eating you?
    
    STARSKY: Why do you think Dobey assigned Kira to this case?
    
    HUTCH: Because she's a better dancer than Dobey.
    
    STARSKY: Aside from how she's a perfect decoy for whoever's killing the girls from this place.
    
    HUTCH: Why don't you tell me something I don't already know, Sherlock?
    
    STARSKY: We're supposed to be undercover. For you to hang out steady with one of two blonds will blow the whole thing.
    
    HUTCH: You're right, you know that? I've been a little careless. Maybe I ought to make like a customer and split, huh?
    
    KIRA: I believe you said you wanted to dance.
    
    STARSKY: Riddle.
    
    KIRA: What?
    
    STARSKY: What has two eyes, two arms and is crazy about you?
    
    
    KIRA: I give up.
    
    STARSKY: I wish you would.
    
    ARLENE: I rolled a seven.
    
    WEBSTER: A four and a three.
    
    ARLENE: Uh-huh. Go. Your move. Your--
    
    WEBSTER: Right. My move.
    
    
    **Interior - Night - Kira's House**
    
    HUTCH: Ow. Damn door. Ah.
    
    
    **Interior - Night - Golden Lady Ballroom**
    
    BOUVET: (counts in French) And if you want to tip the girl, it is permitted, if you know what I mean.
    
    STARSKY: Merci. Bye.
    
    BOUVET: Bye.
    
    STARSKY: You should be through in about 10 minutes. I'll follow you home.
    
    KIRA: Oh, I already gave Hutch the key.
    
    STARSKY: What?
    
    KIRA: Well, he told me that that was his assignment. Isn't that right?
    
    STARSKY: No, he's supposed to guard Susan tonight.
    
    KIRA: Oh. Huh. Lucky Susan.
    
    STARSKY: Yeah.
    
    KIRA: You're not angry, are you?
    
    STARSKY: No.
    
    KIRA: You sure?
    
    STARSKY: Positive.
    
    KIRA: Okay. Tomorrow.
    
    
    **Exterior - Night - Kira's House**
    
    ARNOLD: Hey, got a light? Where are you going?
    
    KIRA: I'm going home. What's it to you?
    
    ARNOLD: I got a better idea, woman.
    
    KIRA: Oh! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
    
    HUTCH: Hey! 
    
    ARNOLD: Hey. Tell me what's going on.
    
    HUTCH: Police. You tell me, huh? Spread them out!
    
    ARNOLD: Police? Look, I didn't do nothing. I was just out walking my dog, you know? It's the middle of the night. I only live about three-- Three blocks away over on Adams.
    
    HUTCH: 358 North Adams, huh?
    
    ARNOLD: Yeah, I didn't do nothing.
    
    HUTCH: You all right?
    
    KIRA: Yeah, I'll survive.
    
    ARNOLD: Look, lady, I'm sorry. I did a spur of the moment thing, you know? Honest. I'm-- I'm a good guy. I didn't mean nothing. I-I-I-- I got a-- I live over here on Adams. I got a wife and two rotten kids.
    
    HUTCH: Like father, like son, huh?
    
    ARNOLD: Give me a break. I promise you, you'll never see me again. No way.
    
    HUTCH: Never, huh?
    
    ARNOLD: Never. Never.
    
    HUTCH: All right, Mr. Arnold from 358 North Adams. If I ever catch you around this place doing anything nasty, so help me, I'll feed you to your dog. Now both of you get out of here. Get outta here.
    
    ARNOLD: Okay, okay. Come on. Come on. Uh, excuse me. Can I have my wallet back?
    
    HUTCH: Pretty tough, huh?
    
    KIRA: What happened to your other boot?
    
    HUTCH: What boot?
    
    
    **Interior - Night - Kira's House**
    
    HUTCH: For a minute there I thought we almost had him.
    
    KIRA: No. Just another over-sexed family man.
    
    HUTCH: Oh, don't do that.
    
    KIRA: Why not?
    
    HUTCH: Well, there's two reasons. One, uh, our killer may be back. And two, um, I wouldn't want him to see my big, bruising shadow in front of the window.
    
    KIRA: Oh, yeah? What's the other reason other than the big, bruising shadow?
    
    HUTCH: What exactly did that guy say to you? Huh?
    
    KIRA: Really?
    
    HUTCH: Yeah.
    
    KIRA: I-- Well, he told me to say this: (whispers)
    
    HUTCH: No.
    
    KIRA: I told you he was over-sexed.
    
    HUTCH: I'll be--
    
    KIRA: I know you will be. Um--  Um, Starsky told me you were supposed to be escorting Susan tonight.
    
    HUTCH: Susan who? Susan? What's a Starsky? Huh?
    
    KIRA: You're terrible.
    
    HUTCH: Well, maybe. But I got a great imagination, too. And I got a great idea.
    
    KIRA: Oh, yeah? For who?
    
    HUTCH: For us.
    
    KIRA: Oh, really? Oh, that-- Oh, that's awful. Oh, that's just terrible. Oh, that's terrible. Oh, that is terrible.
    
    
    **Interior - Night - Squad Room**
    
    STARSKY: Man!
    
    KAPLAN: Oh, boy. You look like you could use a fresh cup. Here.
    
    STARSKY: Thanks, Minnie. Got the late shift, huh?
    
    KAPLAN: No. I just can't seem to keep away from you, Starsky.
    
    STARSKY: Huh.
    
    KAPLAN: How's it coming?
    
    STARSKY: Lousy.
    
    KAPLAN: Don't worry, honey. You guys'll catch that freak.
    
    STARSKY: We'd better. They're gonna run out of blonds at that dance hall.
    
    KAPLAN: You taking good care of that gorgeous blond sergeant?
    
    STARSKY: Kira? Yeah.
    
    KAPLAN: Well, what are you doing here, then? I thought she's our pigeon.
    
    STARSKY: Well, Hutch has got her covered tonight.
    
    KAPLAN: I'll bet he has.
    
    STARSKY: What's that supposed to mean?
    
    KAPLAN: Uh-oh. Mother Minnie must have struck the missing chord. You carrying a torch, Starsk?
    
    STARSKY: That's the dumbest thing I ever heard.
    
    KAPLAN: Ain't it.
    
    STARSKY: This coffee stinks.
    
    KAPLAN: Don't it.
    
    STARSKY: See you around, Minnie.
    
    KAPLAN: Hey, Starsk.
    
    STARSKY: What?
    
    KAPLAN: This for real, this thing with Kira? Or are you just playing?
    
    STARSKY: Good night, Minnie.
    
    KAPLAN: Hm. I guess that answers that question.
    
    
    **Interior - Night - Seedy Hotel**
    
    WEBSTER: That's right. The devil is a lady from Nam... with a blond wig... and a bright red smile. Two drinks later, she tries to grab you in bed... pumping you for info. Come morning... you wake up... with a shiv in your back... looking up at that same bright red smile. Dead... and gone to hell. Keep smiling, girls. Now it's your turn.
    
    
    **Interior - Day - Venice Place**
    
    HUTCH: Hey, Starsk. What are you doing here? Susan kick you outta the house? 
    
    STARSKY: You got any idea what time it is?
    
    HUTCH: What? We got an appointment or something?
    
    STARSKY: Look. We gotta talk. Yeah, what about? Want some coffee?
    
    HUTCH: No.
    
    STARSKY: About this assignment.
    
    HUTCH: What about it? Got a new lead or something?
    
    STARSKY: No. Nothing like that.
    
    HUTCH: Then what are doing sleeping here at the house? Couldn't you find your way home?
    
    STARSKY: Look, there's something I wanna clear up with you.
    
    HUTCH: Yeah, sure. Clear away.
    
    STARSKY: It's about your actions.
    
    HUTCH; What about my actions?
    
    STARSKY: We're supposed to be covering this dance hall where a guy's wiping out these dance hall girls.
    
    HUTCH: Right.
    
    STARSKY: Well, you're not letting him get close to the undercover agent who could be our number-one pigeon.
    
    HUTCH: Oh, that's what this is about?
    
    STARSKY: Yeah. He's still on the loose. You're playing on a killer's time.
    
    HUTCH: I'm not playing on any killer's time. I was over at Kira's house last night, with my eyes wide open, on the job.
    
    STARSKY: You're not supposed to be at Kira's apartment.
    
    HUTCH: I see. That's what this is all about. You go out with her for a week, you think you own her?
    
    STARSKY: One month. But that's not the point. But now that you brought it up, you're supposed to be at Susan's house. We had a pre-arranged agreement which you arbitrarily ignored, and that is just not professional.
    
    HUTCH: Don't talk to me about unprofessional. Don't give me that jive. You can't stand competition.
    
    STARSKY: Competition? I welcome the competition. Under normal circumstances, I'd wipe the floor with you.
    
    HUTCH: You're getting green behind the gills there, partner.
    
    STARSKY: Look it, buddy. We got a murder assignment. Now, either you follow rules of the assignment or you go find yourself another assignment.
    
    HUTCH: Yeah, sure. Ow!
    
    
    **Interior - Day - Golden Lady Ballroom**
    
    BOUVET: Is anyone there? Is there somebody here?
    
    
    **Interior - Day - Dobey's Office**
    
    DOBEY: I know you're upset, Mrs. Bouvet.
    
    BOUVET: Madame Bouvet. And I am not upset. The word is frightened. In the last six months, two of my girls have been killed already. And now, apparently, someone knows that your Sergeant Kira is, what do you say, under bed.
    
    HUTCH: Undercover.
    
    BOUVET: Undercover, under bed. What are we going to do?
    
    HUTCH: Well... Um... Captain, uh... Whoever wrote this note probably doesn't know that Kira's under bed-- cover.
    
    DOBEY: Who else could they be referring to as the spy?
    
    HUTCH: I don't know. Maybe me, maybe Starsky.
    
    DOBEY: "The spy will dye." D-Y-E. Well, what does that tell you?
    
    HUTCH: That tells me that the killer's a bad speller.
    
    DOBEY: No kidding. And while we're playing with words, he's running around loose.
    
    BOUVET: Yes, and I-- I am losing my business. Now, you don't seem to understand that men like to dance with the blond. And now I only have two showing on the floor. One, Susan, is too stupid to quit and the other one is a cop. Now, what are we going to do about saving my business?
    
    DOBEY: Madame Bouvet, we already have three people undercover, and that's doing something.
    
    BOUVET: Well, it obviously is not enough. Huh! (speaks French) 
    
    DOBEY: Bonjour.
    
    HUTCH: We'll take care of it.
    
    DOBEY: Bonjour.
    
    HUTCH: Bonjour. It's a good thing I only took a year of French.
    
    
    **Interior - Day - Kira's House**
    
    KIRA: Turn around. A little to the right. Okay. 
    
    STARSKY: Okay. 
    
    KIRA: Right there. Okay. Okay, plate.
    
    STARSKY: Plate.
    
    KIRA: Okay. Turn back around.
    
    STARSKY: I hope you're holding that hammer really securely.
    
    KIRA: Okay, to the right. To the right.
    
    STARSKY: To the right. How are you doing?
    
    KIRA: Oh, fantastic. Hammer.
    
    STARSKY: Hammer.
    
    KIRA: Just back up. Okay. Back up.
    
    STARSKY: I can't see.
    
    KIRA: Just back up. 
    
    STARSKY: Okay. Here I come. 
    
    KIRA: Scoot a little forward. Now look.
    
    STARSKY: I can't get my head back. I can't see up there.
    
    KIRA: Okay, put me down, put me down, then. Move away.
    
    STARSKY: Moving away.
    
    KIRA: Put me down, come on. Put me down.
    
    STARSKY: Going down. Oh...
    
    KIRA: Oh, God.
    
    STARSKY: I hope I don't have to do that again.
    
    KIRA: So, what do you think?
    
    STARSKY: I have a question.
    
    KIRA: What?
    
    STARSKY: How--? How do you eat off of it?
    
    KIRA: You don't. You're still mad about last night, aren't you?
    
    STARSKY: No.
    
    KIRA: Mm-hm.
    
    STARSKY: I got over the possessive stage years ago. I figure after eight years on the street, you learn to take things as they come.
    
    KIRA: Mm. Oh, so you're a realist now.
    
    STARSKY: I figure you come into this life alone and you go out alone. In between, you just try to experience everything as it comes. Expect nothing. Don't take anything too seriously. Seriously. 
    
    KIRA: If I believed that for one moment, do you think I'd be here with you now? Right now? Really?
    
    STARSKY: Why are you?
    
    KIRA: Because behind that silly smoke-screen of yours, behind that tough-talking, hard-boiled armor you put up for the rest of the world, I see something else.
    
    STARSKY: Like what?
    
    KIRA: Like a heart that's so filled with love it just lights up this entire room.
    
    **Interior - Night - Golden Lady Ballroom**
    
    WEBSTER: Listen, I got no use for these vets who feel sorry for themselves, you know? Me, I got a 50 percent disability which pays for all the goodies, plus I get a chance to hang out and play. What more would a man want?
    
    KIRA: You got a good attitude, Joey. You got a real good attitude.
    
    HUTCH: One, two, three. Excuse me.
    
    WEBSTER: Here you go, Marlene.
    
    BOUVET: Who won, Joey?
    
    WEBSTER: Who do you think?
    
    BOUVET: Ah, sure.
    
    WEBSTER: You wanna play some pool?
    
    WOMAN: I'd love to.
    
    KIRA: Oh, you have to punch in.
    
    STARSKY: The way I see it we're all on duty here tonight. I think we should resist the urge to hang out together.
    
    HUTCH: Who put you in charge? Huh?
    
    WEIRDO: I got the card punched and I figure to get my money's worth. Let's dance, you.
    
    STARSKY: Let's just get this straight. I'm assigned to Kira tonight and you're assigned to Susan, all right?
    
    HUTCH: That's the assignment.
    
    STARSKY: Mm-hm. Good.
    
    HUTCH: Never seen this side of you before.
    
    STARSKY: You mean efficient cop?
    
    HUTCH: No, the stuffed shirt. 
    
    
    **Exterior - Night - Golden Lady Ballroom**
    
    HUTCH: Just keep your mitts off, Starsky. Six-foot-two, eyes of blue.
    
    RICHIE: Come on. Come on, already. I gotta go to work in the morning, huh?
    
    ARLENE: Ease up, Richie. It's been a long night.
    
    RICHIE: Well, it's not getting any shorter. You know, I gotta be up at 6 in the morning.
    
    ARLENE: Six in the morning?
    
    RICHIE: Well, maybe not quite 6.
    
    WEBSTER: (into tape recorder) Tuesday, G-2 to headquarters, 0200 hours. Suspect has dyed black wig, heading north. Sergeant Webster in pursuit. (end)
    
    
    **Interior - Night - Seedy Hotel**
    
    WEBSTER: (into tape recorder) G-2 to headquarters, 0300 hours. Have reason to believe that spy headquarters is centered at 10304 South Tremont. When the sun shines, shows the true color of the hair, and when old husband, Richie, goes to work... so does Sergeant Webster, Joseph. 1646701. (end)
    
    
    **Interior - Day - Starsky's Apartment**
    
    STARSKY: Whoop--
    
    HUTCH: Morning. 
    
    STARSKY: Want some coffee?
    
    HUTCH: Oh, yeah, sure.
    
    STARSKY: Grab a cup. Uh, it's, uh, kind of strong.
    
    HUTCH: It's like the inside of a tennis shoe, you know.
    
    STARSKY: Well, it'll wake you up.
    
    HUTCH: If it doesn't kill you first. Now, look, uh, I just thought we might work out whatever the problem is.
    
    STARSKY: Oh. Well, there's no problem. Not anymore. 
    
    HUTCH: Well, there was yesterday.
    
    STARSKY: I was jealous.
    
    HUTCH: You were-- You were jealous, huh? You're not jealous anymore?
    
    STARSKY: No.
    
    HUTCH: How come?
    
    STARSKY: I had to deal with how Kira and I feel about each other.
    
    HUTCH: Oh. How's that?
    
    STARSKY: I love her.
    
    HUTCH: You what?
    
    STARSKY: I love her.
    
    HUTCH: She loves you, huh?
    
    STARSKY: Yeah.
    
    HUTCH: She told you that?
    
    STARSKY: Well, not in so many words, but, uh... You know what I mean.
    
    HUTCH: Yeah, well, look, I got some work to catch up on. I'll hook up with you later.
    
    STARSKY: Thanks for dropping by.
    
    
    **Interior - Day - Kira's House**
    
    KIRA: Uh, one second. Oh, I'll be with you in a minute. Hi.
    
    HUTCH: Hi.
    
    KIRA: Why the long face so early in the morning?
    
    HUTCH: Look, I gotta get a-- I gotta-- Uh... I gotta ask you a question.
    
    KIRA: Okay. Morning.
    
    HUTCH: I just-- I just don't figure it. I don't figure you.
    
    KIRA: What? What?
    
    HUTCH: Do you love Starsky? Kira, do you love Starsky?
    
    KIRA: Yes.
    
    HUTCH: Well, I guess for a change, he was right. I'll be seeing you around.
    
    KIRA: I love you, too, Hutch.
    
    HUTCH: What?
    
    KIRA: I love you, too.
    
    HUTCH: What are you doing? What kind of a game are you playing?
    
    KIRA: There's no games. I love you both.
    
    HUTCH: Well, how is that possible?
    
    KIRA: Because you're two entirely different human beings, and I love both of you in a different way. Is that so terrible?
    
    HUTCH:  I'm trying to compute this right now, but I just can't seem to add up.
    
    KIRA: Have you ever made love to more than one woman in one week? Really, the truth. Have you?
    
    HUTCH: Yes, on occasion I have made love to more than one woman in one week--
    
    KIRA: And really cared for them?
    
    HUTCH: What?
    
    KIRA: And you really liked them?   
    
    HUTCH: Like them? 
    
    KIRA: I mean, you really cared for them?
    
    HUTCH: I don't make love to a woman unless I like her, okay? I feel like I'm being tested for some new sex survey or something. Will you tell me what's going on, because I'm having a hard time handling it.
    
    KIRA: Well, like you, I love two people at the same time.
    
    HUTCH: Now, I-- I-- I'm not quite that liberated. You know, when I get down to the nitty-gritty, down to what love is, I'm really old-fashioned about that. I'm a one-man, one-woman kind of guy.
    
    KIRA: So you want me to choose between you and Starsky. Is that it?
    
    HUTCH: Yes, uh... Yes.
    
    KIRA: Oh, I see. And if I become your one-woman, does that mean that, uh, it's a commitment till death do us part? Is that it?
    
    HUTCH: I'm-- I'm-- I'm-- I'm not talking about that. I'm-- I'm-- That's not what I have in mind.
    
    KIRA: Exactly. Me, neither. You see, dear Hutch, you want your cake but you're afraid to eat it.
    
    HUTCH: Well, I'll give you this much. You sure know how to confuse a guy.
    
    KIRA: Look, Hutch, when I make that one-man, one-woman commitment, I will be the most loyal being on this planet. But that doesn't mean we can't share something until then. Okay?
    
    HUTCH: W-wait a second. We got-- we got some things to work out.
    
    KIRA: Look, life's a lot simpler than you'd like to admit to, okay?
    
    HUTCH: What about Starsky? We got him to consider.
    
    KIRA: We already have. How do you feel?
    
    HUTCH: Full of you.
    
    
    **Exterior - Day - Kira's House**
    
    STARSKY: Your horn works. Try your lights.
    
    
    **Interior - Day - Kira's House**
    
    KIRA: Oh, David. 
    
    STARSKY: Hi, uh...
    
    KIRA: Hi. 
    
    STARSKY: Where's Hutch?
    
    KIRA: Hutch?
    
    STARSKY: Yeah. You wanted to straighten things out, huh? Clear up the problem.
    
    HUTCH: Starsky, I meant it.
    
    STARSKY: Sure you did.
    
    HUTCH: Starsky. Hey, hey, come on. 
    
    STARSKY: What?
    
    HUTCH: I just came by to see how Kira feels about things. That's all.
    
    STARSKY: Yeah, how does she feel, uh? 
    
    HUTCH: Come on.
    
    STARSKY: Huh? How does she feel? Huh?
    
    HUTCH: Come on. Come on.
    
    STARSKY: What?
    
    KIRA: Stop it!Stop it! Would you--? Stop it! Stop it! What are you, crazy? What's the matter with you guys? You're acting like kids. You just can't fight over me like that without asking me how I think. Just get out. I mean it. Just-- Why don't you just get out. Get out! I mean it!
    
    
    **Exterior - Day - City Street**
    
    WEBSTER: (into tape recorder) G-2 to headquarters, 1100 hours. Suspect returning. Intend to infiltrate. (end) Hey, hey. Ain't you Arlene, ain't it?
    
    ARLENE: Sure. 
    
    WEBSTER: You live around here, too?
    
    ARLENE: Hi, you're, uh...?
    
    WEBSTER: Joey. Joey from the Golden Lady. Come on, how could you forget a vet? You know I always thought you were a blond underneath that wig.
    
    ARLENE: Yeah, well, there's a reason for that wig. Uh, listen, I got to get this stuff in before it melts.
    
    WEBSTER: Oh, yeah, yeah. Uh, I-- I gotta go home. I got an important phone call. Hey, look-- No reason I can't give a lady a hand.
    
    ARLENE: Thanks. Um, say, how did you recognize me without my wig?
    
    WEBSTER: Oh, I was trained for things like that in Nam, you know. You know about that? Do you?
    
    ARLENE: Oh, only what I've seen on TV.
    
    WEBSTER: Yeah. Come on. You know that I was in G-2 Intelligence and you want the secrets, right?
    
    ARLENE: Well, thanks, um, uh, Joey. I'll, uh, see you at the club, I guess--
    
    WEBSTER: Yeah...
    
    ARLENE: Oh!
    
    
    **Exterior - Day - Arlene's House**
    
    DOBEY: We reached her husband at work. He's on the way.
    
    HUTCH: You know, it's a shame you were so preoccupied.
    
    STARSKY: Come off it.
    
    DOBEY: Just a minute, Hutchinson. What the heck's going on between you two?
    
    STARSKY: Nothing.
    
    DOBEY: That nothing sounds like something personal. And I want you to put it on the shelf and concentrate on catching this killer.
    
    HUTCH: All right, Captain. She probably knew the man because he didn't have to break in. He was probably a regular down at the club, all right?
    
    DOBEY: Then tonight, every regular gets a shakedown.
    
    STARSKY: What if he isn't there? We don't even know what he looks like.
    
    DOBEY: The alternative is to close the joint up. In which case, Mrs. Bouvet will be sure to let the press know that it was the police who blew it. And I assure you, both your names will be spelled correctly.
    
    FORENSIC GUY: Hutch, found this on the floor by the body.
    
    HUTCH: What do you think it is?
    
    FORENSIC GUY: I don't know.
    
    HUTCH: Well, analyze it.
    
    FORENSIC GUY: Okay. I'll let you know tomorrow.
    
    HUTCH: No, no, I want it today.
    
    FORENSIC GUY: I can't. I'm off in an hour--
    
    HUTCH: I'll be at the Golden Lady Ballroom. You ask for Madame Bouvet. She'll get me to the phone. I want to hear from you tonight, you hear me?
    
    FORENSIC GUY: Give me a break.
    
    HUTCH: I want a clear analysis of that thing and I want it tonight!
    
    
    **Interior - Night - Seedy Hotel**
    
    WEBSTER: Yes. Mission accomplished. As usual. Undetected, sir. Yeah. Think you could fool me, huh? No way. After two months in the Mekong Delta with malaria, fungus and Cong ladies in dyed blond hair. Dance hall girls. Oh. (into tape recorder) It's obvious that the center of the spy ring is located at the Golden Lady Ballroom. No further choice, but to take ultimate action. Surveillance no longer required. Mission: to destroy. Total demolition. (end) 
    
    
    **Interior - Night - Golden Lady Ballroom**
    
    STARSKY: Anybody been acting strange towards you tonight?
    
    SUSAN: Oh, honey, you're talking about half the guys in this joint.
    
    STARSKY: I mean, really strange.
    
    SUSAN: Okay, make it three quarters.
    
    WEBSTER: I mean, were they devious.
    
    KIRA: Who's that, Joey?
    
    WEBSTER: The Cong. Who else? Whew. I wouldn't be surprised that if all the Vietnamese who came over here were looking for me because I got into the info. You see, I got it. The Cong knew.
    
    BOUVET: (on phone) Hello, Golden Lady, where the girls- Yes. Yes, yes, he is. (pause)
    
    CAROL: Oh, would you like to do one more time? 
    
    HUTCH: Uh... 
    
    CAROL: You really dance good, you know.
    
    HUTCH: Well, I...
    
    BOUVET: Carol, go and find someone else. Go. Go.
    
    HUTCH: (on phone) Yeah, hello. Hello. Yeah? What? (end)
    
    WEBSTER: You ask any Vietnamese on the street, they tell you what GIs really like. Blonds had more fun. 
    
    STARSKY: Thanks for the dance.
    
    SUSAN: It ain't over yet.
    
    STARSKY: It is for me.
    
    KIRA: You're hurting my arm, Joey.
    
    HUTCH: That was Hardy.
    
    STARSKY: Yeah.
    
    HUTCH: That, uh, piece of rubber he found at Arlene's apartment, he says it's well-worn.
    
    STARSKY: Meaning?
    
    HUTCH: Meaning it could have come from a grocery cart... 
    
    STARSKY: Which was in front of her apartment. 
    
    HUTCH: ...or a baby carriage, or a pair of crutches, or a cane tip.
    
    KIRA: Joey.
    
    WEBSTER: You make one move, honey girl, and I'm gonna shove this grenade in your ear. No blonds in Vietnam, unless they dyed their hair. Now I ask you... Do you dye your hair? I'm asking you, gook. Is that your hair or did you dye it?
    
    KIRA: Ease off my hand, Joey. I've got a gun pointed right at you. KIRA: Ease off my hand.
    
    HUTCH: Come on. Go on. Get out.
    
    WEBSTER: Get a call out to headquarters! Find the blond! The blond over there. Her!
    
    HUTCH: Hey, hey, hey. Hey, pal. Just calm down. Now, we got her covered.
    
    WEBSTER: Don't you fake me out, Ho Chi Minh. I know what a VC looks like. Now, get a call out to headquarters, and you tell them Sergeant Webster requests assistance.
    
    STARSKY: Take it easy, buddy.
    
    WEBSTER: Now, you listen to me, Charlie. You're not taking me alive. You see? We're all going together. Name, rank and serial number-- Name, rank, serial number. Webster, Sergeant.
    
    KIRA: It's gonna be all right, Joey.
    
    
    Interior - Day - The Pits
    
    HUGGY: What it is, boss?
    
    STARSKY: Give me a beer.
    
    HUGGY: Beer.
    
    STARSKY: Set up a daiquiri. I got a beautiful blond coming to meet me.
    
    HUGGY: Uh-huh. Hutch.
    
    HUTCH: Why don't you get me a beer, and set up a daiquiri. I got a--
    
    HUGGY: I don't know about you two.
    
    STARSKY: Hey.
    
    HUGGY: Yeah.
    
    STARSKY: Ask him what he's doing here.
    
    HUGGY: What are you doing here? Is he the beautiful blond?
    
    HUTCH: Hey. Ask him what he's doing here.
    
    HUGGY: Well, what are you doing here?
    
    STARSKY: I'm gonna meet someone.
    
    HUGGY: He's gonna meet someone.
    
    HUTCH: Me, too.
    
    HUGGY: Him, too.
    
    HUTCH: I guess she's gonna choose, huh?
    
    HUGGY: I guess so.
    
    HUTCH: Hey, pal.
    
    STARSKY: Are you talking to me?
    
    HUGGY: Are you talking to him?
    
    HUTCH: Tell him I'm talking to him.
    
    HUGGY: He's talking to you.
    
    STARSKY: I heard.
    
    HUTCH: Hey, pal. Whatever happens, I can handle it.
    
    STARSKY: So can I.
    
    HUGGY: So can he.
    
    HUTCH: But who wants to, right?
    
    HUGGY: Oh. I guess this is the beautiful blond who's looking for the two turkeys. Well, you found them. But be careful, honey. They're a little insane today.
    
    KIRA: Well, you're probably wondering why I asked you here today.
    
    HUTCH: We know why you asked us here, and we're not gonna go for it.
    
    HUGGY: They're not gonna go for it.
    
    KIRA: Not going for what?
    
    STARSKY: We're tired of being treated like objects. Having our lives determined for us by women.
    
    HUTCH: Loved for our bodies and not for our minds. After all, you prick us, doth we not bleed?
    
    STARSKY: That's my line.
    
    HUTCH: Tell him, I'm sorry.
    
    HUGGY: He's sorry.
    
    STARSKY: I heard.
    
    KIRA: So, what's the solution to this troublesome triangle we have here?
    
    STARSKY: We decided if there's a decision to be made, we're gonna make it.
    
    HUTCH: And after a long deliberation, we finally settled it.
    
    KIRA: And? No.
    
    HUTCH: No what?
    
    KIRA: No.
    
    STARSKY: No?
    
    KIRA: No
    
    STARSKY: Okay.
    
    HUTCH: Okay. 
    
    END
    
    


End file.
